hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
