I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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