WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
