is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
