he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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