Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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