I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
