I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
