I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
