It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
