shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
