So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
