so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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