Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
