she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
