I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
