Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
