I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
