Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic