there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.