I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
