I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
