turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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