would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
