drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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