Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
