wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
