in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
