Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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