which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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