I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
birth control should be required to get into college
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
