u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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