dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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