I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
