i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
