I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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