He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
