Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
