dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
