I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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