RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
