I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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