I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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