i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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