Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
