Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
