Jerry, you need to find god
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Randomize
