you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
