The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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