i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
