I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
