I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
