the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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