I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
