I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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