I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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