Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
